Tale of a Gladiator Angel
by aldovas
Summary: Matthew Ryder dies and now he ends up in the Limbo. He's forced to become a Gladiator Angel to fight in the Limbo Colosseum, where the winners become Guardian Angels and the losers go to Hell.
1. Part 1

**Tale of a Gladiator Angel**

**(A/E: This two parter story acts like a bridge between Season 3 and Season 4. For whose don't know anything about 'Tale of a Valkyrie', the story had supernatural and religious elements that was the spirit of this story. But since it was deleted, I decided to make up my own supernatural and religious elements, but I'm gonna add a comedic tone since it's a _Family Guy_ fanfiction. Anyway, enjoy it!)**

**Part 1**

Matthew was shown with his eyes closed until he opened them.

"Uh...w-where am I?" Matthew asked as he looked around, he was in a cloudy place "Am I in Heaven?"

_Not exactly._

The owner of the voice was Death.

"You're not in Heaven, nor Hell, you're in the Limbo" Death said.

"What...?" Matthew asked, all confused.

"Are you stupid? I said you're..."

"I know what you said, but...I don't understand" Matthew said "Don't people go either to Heaven or Hell?"

"There were exceptions and you're one of them" Death said "But I'll explain this to you later, we have to go."

"Where?" Matthew asked.

Then a carriage pulled by two pegasus appeared. The one who was riding in the carriage was...Life (she appeared in the 'How I met your Mother' chapter).

"You're late" Death said.

"I'm sorry, dear, I had to clean up the pegasus' wings" Life said as she kissed him.

"Wow, I didn't know Death and Life are dating" Matthew commented.

"We're not only dating..." Death said.

"We're brother and sister!" Life said.

"Oh my god...I feel sick..." Matthew said.

"What? Adam and Eve were both created by God, so technically they're brother and sister" Death explained.

"So incest is wrong for the mortals, but it's okay for the supernatural beings?!" Matthew asked.

"Can we forget about my social life?" Death asked "We're gonna be late!"

"Late for what?" Matthew asked "You haven't told me what am I doing here"

"Get your ass in the carriage and I'll explain everything" Death said.

"God, this is stranger than that episode of _the Big Bang Theory_" Matthew said.

**Flashback**

Sheldon was making some kind of machine in the apartment.

"Sheldon, what are you doing now?" Leonard asked.

"I'm making a portal to another universe" Sheldon answered "Maybe I find a universe where my wisdom is more welcomed and appreciated"

"Your 'wisdom' is still annoying, not matter what universe" Leonard said.

Then Penny appeared.

"Guys, has anyone seen my..." Penny asked as Sheldon activated the portal and four tentacles caught Penny "AAAAAHHHHH!"

The tentacles took Penny to the portal and it disappeared.

"PENNY!" Leonard screamed.

"Hmm, look like it works." Sheldon said "Maybe I'll send Wolowitz to a universe where Hitler never existed"

**Flashback's end**

The three were in the carriage where Death was explaining to Matthew the reason of why he's here.

"You see, Matthew, the souls who dies and go to Limbo is because of two reasons: one: they failed to accomplish their lifetime purposes. Or two: They did something good AND bad at the same time proceeding their death." Death explained.

"So what? I sacrificed my life to save Connie's, isn't that usually a guaranteed one-way ticket to Heaven?" Matthew asked.

"Well, how do I put this without sounding like a dick?" Death asked "The person you saved...was a bitch"

"I knew she was a bitch, so?" Matthew asked.

"You see, if she were to die, she could go to Hell" Death answered "If she was a good person destined to go to Heaven, you might have end up in Heaven as well. Unfortunately, you gave up your life to save a bad person, so here you are"

"Oh, come on!" Matthew complained "I'm not responsible for Connie's actions!"

"Well, the last thing you were doing was dating her" Life said as she giggled "That's pretty ironic, normally nice girls like to date bad boys, but looks like nice boys also like bad girls"

"Thank god I wasn't dating Miley Cyrus...or Mila Kunis" Matthew said.

"Well, here we are" Death said as they arrived at a colosseum.

"A colosseum?" Matthew asked "Are we gonna watch a gladiator fight?"

"Gladiator Angels and you're not watching a fight, YOU are gonna fight in there" Death said.

"ME?!" Matthew asked, outraged.

"All the souls going to Limbo are forced to fight to the death in the colosseum" Death explained "Winners become Guardian Angels"

"Fight to the death? But we're already dead!" Matthew said.

"'Fight to the death' is just an expression" Death replied "Losers are sent to Hell"

Death opened the cloudy floor revealing to Matthew the Hell: demonic creatures, people screaming for being tortured and fire everywhere.

"Holy crap, there is a Hell..." Matthew said "It would be a surprise if a bad Jew goes to Hell"

"Actually..." Death said.

***Jewish accent*** _WE WERE WRONG!_

"Now, go inside and get ready" Death ordered "Your first fight is in 10 minutes"

"Wait, what?!" Matthew asked.

"Life, send Mr. Ryder to the waiting room and dress him up for the battle" Death said.

"With all pleasure, dear" Life agreed "Come with me, Mattie"

"Great, she's sounding like my sister" Matthew said.

Inside of the waiting room, Life asked Matthew to strip his clothes off and put on his battle outfit.

"Hurry up! If you miss your fight, they'll disqualify you!" Life said "I already visited Hell, it's a pretty horrible place"

***Matthew's voice*** _I'm done!_

Matthew came out wearing his battle outfit that it's pretty similar of John Carter from...well, _John Carter (_**A/E: a movie that apparently nobody saw since it bombed big time in the box-office)**

"Oh my god, you look fabulous!" Life said

"Are you kidding? I look like the guy from _Battleship _dressed up like He-Man" Matthew said.

"Now choose your weapon" Life said, making appear a large case of several heavenly weapons: swords, guns, spears, bows and arrows, etc.

"Wow, I have to admit: these weapons are pretty badass" Matthew said "I bet Axel would love these." he picked up a sword "This one will be fine"

"You really like swords, don't you? Life asked.

"They're better than guns in my opinion" Matthew answered.

***BING*** ***BING***

"It's the signal, go outside and do your best" Life said, giving him a kiss in the cheek. That kiss made Matthew's cheek glow blue.

"Wow...that felt...very pleasant" Matthew said.

"Thanks" Life thanked him as she disappeared.

Matthew took a deep breath and he went outside,

In the colosseum; there was an enormous crowd divided between angels and demons. Not everyone was human, there were extraterrestrials, mythological creatures, etc. In the VIP section we see God...wearing a football shirt of the Patriots of Rhode Island and a hat with beers strapped on.

"Oh yeah, my favorite part of being God: watching dumbasses killing each other" God said.

Next to him was his son Jesus.

"Father, I never liked the idea of forcing souls to fight to the death" Jesus commented.

"Said some queer-O who loves reading _the Hunger Games_" God mocked.

"I enjoy it for their themes and characters!" Jesus said.

"Read something more for men like this one!" God said, taking out the book _50 Shades of Grey_ and he read a page "Very hot, I can't wait for its movie adaptation"

The announcer, who's a green alien in a suit with a mushroom head covering his eyes, was in the middle of the arena.

"Welcome to the Angel Gladiators Battle!" The announcer exclaimed "Today we have a good bunch of newcomers, so please give a nice welcome to the first newcomer: MATTHEW RYDER FROM PLANET EARTH!"

Matthew came out and he slowly walked as everybody cheered. He just waved the hand to salute.

"At his opposite corner, he'll face out against his first opponent: PINKY PUFF FROM PLANET FURRY!" The announcer exclaimed.

"What?" Matthew asked

Matthew's opponent was a cute puffy pink alien with two cute eyes, cat ears, a tail with a bell and it floats in the air.

"Hi!" Pinky Puff greeted with a cheerful tone.

"May the battle...BEGIN!" The announcer exclaimed as he disappeared.

"You're kidding me!" Matthew said "I was so worried about going to Hell and I'm facing off against a cute living plush from Toys "R" Us?!

"I wanna be your friend!" Pinky Puff said.

"Ah...me too, puffy head, but..."

"*gasp* Did you give me a nickname?" Pinky Puff asked with the heart broken " My...name ...is...PINKY PUFFY!" suddenly its eyes turned red, his pink puffy appearance turned brown and spiky, even his bell tail became a spiky steel ball "*deep and scary voice* You're going to DIEEEEE!"

"Holy crap!" Matthew exclaimed.

Pinky Puff started swinging around his steel ball in order to hit Matthew. Luckily, Matthew dodged the ball. So the logical thing to do was cutting off its tail and so he did. Without the tail, he stabbed him and he went to Hell. The announcer appeared to announce the winner.

"The battle is over and the winner is: MATTHEW RYDER FROM PLANET EARTH!" The announcer exclaimed.

***everybody cheers***

"Good, does that mean I become a Guardian Angel now?" Matthew asked.

Suddenly, Death and Life appeared in the arena.

"Not yet, this was just the first fight" Death said.

"The first fight?" Matthew asked "How many fights do I need to win?"

"Thousands" Death answered.

"WHAT?!" Matthew asked, outraged "This is ridiculous!"

"I didn't make the rules, it was God" Death said.

"Then take me to God, so I can negotiate with him!" Matthew demanded.

"Sorry, Mattie, but no one defies God" Life said "He's the one true lord of Earth and Heaven"

"What do you mean 'the one true lord'?" Matthew asked, suspicious.

"Life, why don't we introduce Matthew to his new coaches?" Matthew asked.

"What? Now I have coaches?" Matthew asked.

They went back to the waiting room to wait for Matthew's coaches.

"Matthew, let me introduce you to your coaches: Nathan and Hellen Everett, both from Planet Earth" Death said.

Nathan and Hellen came in, Nathan was wearing a golden gladiator armor and a golden helmet with wings while Hellen was wearing a golden amazon armor with a red skirt and a golden tiara on her forehead. They both have angel wings.

"Nice to meet you, Matthew" Nathan greeted.

"Wait, Everett?" Matthew asked "Like Axel Everett?"

"Yes, we're his parents" Hellen answered "We both ended up in Limbo just like you millenniums ago"

"Wait, millenniums? You mean THOUSANDS of years?!" Matthew asked.

"One year on your planet equals a millennium in the supernatural world" Death answered.

"Okay, this is getting WAY too weird even for me!" Matthew said.

"Come on, once you become a Guardian Angel, everything is fantastic" Nathan said.

"We didn't believe in Heaven at first, but after living there, it's a paradise!" Hellen said.

"So, are you both Guardian Angels?" Matthew asked.

"Oh no...we're better than that: we're Valkyries!" Nathan answered "It's the highest rank for an angel."

"Well, how was my fighting skills in the arena?" Matthew asked.

"Not bad, but that was a level one monster" Nathan answered "I would just kill it with a simple stare"

"If it was a male, I would just show off my breasts, getting him a deadly boner" Hellen said "I hope you would't mind"

"Not at all, hun" Nathan replied, giving her a kiss "And Matthew, it's very important to train hard in order to defeat the most dangerous monsters"

"All right then, how hard could it be?" Matthew asked.

In an abrupt cut, he found himself walking on a thin rope over the lava while he carry a giant rock on his back.

"ARE YOU INSANE?!" Matthew asked, terrified.

"Just don't fall into the lava or you'll end up in Hell!" Nathan said, laying off and drinking a fresh coconut with Hellen.

"And that's just the easiest part of the training" Hellen said.

"Is that supposed to make me feel better?!" Matthew asked as a drop of lava almost got him "AH!"

"No, it's supposed to strengthen your focus." Nathan answered as he checked up a holographic chart next to him "Your next opponent is Garoozis from Planet Reptilius"

"What does he do?" Matthew asked.

"He fights with two swords called 'Blade Twins'" Nathan answered, "God, what a stupid cliché name."

"At least I won't fight against the Olsen Twins!" Matthew said as he laughed hard, but nobody else laughed.

"That joke would probably be funny 10 years ago, but now it's lame" Nathan said.

"Hey, look!" Hellen said, looking at her holographic newspaper "Their younger sister Elizabeth Olsen will appear in the Avengers 2. She and Aaron Taylor-Johnson will play brother and sister"

"And thinking they were husband and wife in the Godzilla reboot" Nathan said as he realized what he said "Wait...that doesn't sound right"

"I hate incest jokes!" Matthew shouted.

Next day, in the colosseum; Matthew fought against Garoozis. An anthropomorphic lizard in armor, carrying two swords. Garoozis charged to attack Matthew with his Blade Twins, but he blocked his swords and pushed them back as he attacked him. They both fought with all their strength, but Matthew managed to stab him and send him to Hell.

"Winner: MATTHEW RYDER!" the announcer exclaimed.

***everybody cheered***

As the days progressed, Matthew's training was getting harder and harder: from climbing a 500 feet tall tower while carrying Buda to running away from a rain of knives while wearing heavy iron shoes. And everyday he fought against many different opponents: aliens, mythological creatures like a cyclops, Medusa and the Hydra.

Winner: MATTHEW RYDER!" the announcer exclaimed.

***everybody cheered***

As Matthew was winning all his battles, God seemed very interested in him. He was having a chat with his son Jesus.

"You want me to do WHAT?!" Jesus asked.

"This Matthew guy is getting really powerful with every battle" God answered "He'll soon face off against the mighty ones, if you know what I mean."

"But father, I'm peaceful and merciful, I'm incapable of killing anybody" Jesus said.

"Great, now you're wussing out like always!" God said "If I was your father...!"

"Wait, aren't you?" Jesus asked.

"Ah, I mean, YES! I am your father and father of all! May my orders shalt be obeyed!" God exclaimed with a mighty tone.

"Okay...father" Jesus obeyed as he leaves.

God just looked at the colosseum with greed.

"Fools...they're all fools..." God said with an evil smile.

**To be continued...**


	2. Part 2

_Previously..._

...

"Uh...w-where am I?" Matthew asked as he looked around, he was in a cloudy place "Am I in Heaven?"

"You're not in Heaven, nor Hell, you're in the Limbo" Death said.

...

"All the souls that goes to Limbo are forced to fight to the death in the colosseum" Death explained "Winners become Guardian Angels"

...

"Matthew, let me introduce your coaches: Nathan and Hellen Everett, both from Planet Earth" Death said.

...

Nathan and Hellen came in, Nathan was wearing a golden gladiator armor and a golden helmet with wings while Hellen was wearing a golden amazon armor with a red skirt and a golden tiara on her forehead. They both have angel wings.

"Nice to meet you, Matthew" Nathan greeted.

"Wait, Everett?" Matthew asked "Like Axel Everett?"

"Yes, we're his parents" Hellen answered "We both ended in the Limbo just like you millenniums ago"

...

God just looked at the colosseum with greed.

"Fools...they're all fools..." God said with an evil smile.

...

Part 2

Matthew and Nathan face off...in another training. They were standing on sticks in order to fight without falling off. They both took out their swords and they fought with all the strength, Nathan seemed to win this battle until Matthew took a jump over him and quickly made Nathan fall. Nathan used his wings (since he wasn't allowed to use them for the battle) to take flight and landed along with his wife.

"Good job, Matthew" Nathan praised "You're ready for the big boys"

"The big boys?" Matthew asked.

"The Mighty Gods and Divine Prophets" Hellen answered "Zeus, Poseidon, Ares, Moses, Jehovah and Jesus"

"Even Moham-"

"SHH! He should NOT even be mentioned" Nathan said.

"Oh, BULLCRAP!" Matthew complained "First _South Park_ and now this! Only because America is afraid of some terrorists?! When I become a Guardian Angel, I'm gonna kill all the Muslims"

"That's not how a Guardian Angel works" Nathan said "His or her duty is to protect the human or alien that he or she must protect"

"And who do you guys protect?" Axel asked.

"We can't tell" Nathan answered.

"It's against God's rules" Hellen said.

"Oh, great, it's because 'God' says so!" Matthew complained "You know? I have nothing against people who love God, but what the hell did God actually give to them?!"

"Hey, we didn't believe in God when we were still alive" Nathan said.

"But now we know he exists and he allowed us to live in paradise" Hellen said, eating a juicy fruit.

"Yeah, ever since we got to Heaven, we had been doing it at least twice a day everyday." Nathan chuckled, "Back down on Earth, we'll be lucky to get a day off every few months."

"Then why I have the feeling he's hiding something?" Matthew asked.

"Come on, Matthew, this is God we are speaking of. He can do no wrong." Hellen answered.

"Oh yeah, how about holding that grudge about the apple from Eden, sending Abraham to try and kill his son, screwing Job over to win a bet with the devil-" Matthew listed off.

"Aside from those." Nathan rolled his eyes.

Meanwhile in God's office; Jesus was here wearing his battle armor ready to fight.

"Father, I still think this is a bad idea" Jesus said "Like I say before, I can't kill anyone"

"Would you stop being so negative?" God asked "My plan is simple: go outside, beat your opponents until you face off Matthew and convince him to join us!"

"But, Father..."

"Shut up, put your pants on and be a man!" God asked "Or are gonna put on some panties and be a woman? If that's so...hey, ladies!" some sexy ladies (a blond, a brunette and a redhead) in skimpy lingerie appeared "My son wants to be like you, give him your panties!"

The ladies were about to take off their panties...

"Okay, okay, I'll do it!" Jesus said "Sweet Heavens, Father, don't you have any respect for women?"

"They're only exist for two things: sex and giving birth" God said "Don't ask me why I made their vaginas bleed every month, it was a big screw-up."

Jesus let out a sigh and left the office. God approached this chance to sit on his desk...where under it, there's a small button that he pressed and he was sent to a secret underground place. Here inside, God had a very rare object over a pedestal: a shining and cloudy light trapped in a sphere.

"Hello there" God greeted "Sorry if I hadn't time to visit you. The God's job is kinda stressful.." Then he smacked it a little "Oh yeah, I forgot: you can't hear me in that stupid ball. Loser!"

He left the room, letting out an evil laugh. But he never realized that little smack made the sphere crack a little.

Meanwhile, in the Limbo Colosseum; they were ready for the tournament called 'the  
>Tournament of the Divines'.<p>

"Welcome to 'the Tournament of the Divines'!" the announcer exclaimed "As many know: in this tournament, all the Gods and prophets from all myths and religions clashed to fight against the brave gladiator who won one thousand battles in a row! And our brave gladiator is...MATTHEW RYDER FROM PLANET EARTH!"

Matthew appeared as he rises his sword in an epic pose.

***crowd cheering*  
><strong>  
>"Let's see against who are you gonna face off first in this tournament!" the announcer said as we see in the digital screen randomly choosing the opponents "Your opponent is going to be..." the photo of Poseidon appeared "Poseidon, Greek God of the Sea!"<p>

"Good, I'm screwed" Matthew said "Or in this case: I'm drowned"

"Please, sir, we don't accept puns…hell, that wasn't even funny." the announcer said "May the battle begins!"

He took out a smokescreen and threw it at the ground.

***POOF***

"***coughing*** What the hell?!" Matthew asked as he found himself in a boat in the middle of a sea "Hey, this isn't fair!"

Then he felt something coming out of the sea: Poseidon. Who has a long blue beard, muscular and he carries a golden trident.

"Fear the rage of the seas!" Poseidon exclaimed as he summoned an army of sharks.

"Okay, Aquaman, you want me to go fishing?" Matthew asked "Let's go fishing!"

As the sharks attack, Matthew just jumped on every single shark without getting bitten. Then he took a big jump from the last shark and he was ready to attack Poseidon. Unfortunately, Poseidon used his trident to shoot a lighting on Matthew, making him to fall into the lame ass boat.

"You're not match for a God!" Poseidon said, ready to shoot him once again with his trident

"Yeah, you're right..." Matthew said as he found a shark near to him, fortunately he stabbed him to kill him "...but, you neither!" he threw the shark at Poseidon's face.

That made Poseidon drop his trident and the trident shoot Poseidon, knocking him out. After Poseidon was defeated, Matthew came back to the colosseum.

"The winner is: Matthew Ryder from Planet Earth!" The announcer exclaimed.

The tournament went on until it was Jesus's turn to fight, who's in a Hindu temple.

"The next fight is the savior and son of God: Jesus Christ!" The announcer exclaimed "And his opponent is the Hindu Goddess of Time and Change: Kali!"

Kali appeared carrying four swords as weapons.

"May the fight...BEGIN!" the announcer exclaimed.

"Listen, I know our religions are very different, but..." Jesus said as Kali was about to attack him until she suddenly...stopped.

"I got a cramp!" Kali screamed of pain as she rolled on the ground "I'm unable to fight!"

"Wait, I didn't even attack you" Jesus said "At least..."

"The winner is: Jesus Christ!" the announcer exclaimed.

We see Nathan and Hellen were watching the tournament through a holographic screen. Nathan seemed suspicious about Jesus's fight.

"What's wrong, hun?" Hellen asked.

"Something's fishy, no offense Alfred" Nathan said to a fish head butler.

"None taken...but I hate being used as a pun anyway" Alfred said.

"What I mean is that I think the tournament is being rigged." Nathan said "I'll get to the bottom of this"

"I'm coming with you" Hellen said.

"Forget it, it could be dangerous" Nathan said.

"Dear, don't tell me you fell in love with me just for my looks" Hellen said.

"No, it was also for your strength and intelligence, and the fact you are real good with boob-jobs." Nathan replied "All right then, you can come with me"

"Don't wait up, Al" Hellen said, leaving with her husband.

"I'll cancel the pizzas" Alfred said.

**Cutaway**

A live action scene where a nerdy reader was reading my fanfic.

"Oh my god, did he use a quote taken from _Batman & Robin_?!" the nerdy reader asked, outraged "That's it! I'm gonna nitpick every single detail, even the most meaningless one!"

**Cutaway's end**

The tournament went on as Matthew and Jesus continued winning the fights. Or at least just Matthew since Jesus's opponents kept losing on purpose, so he and Matthew face off in the final round.

Meanwhile, in God's office; God decided to leave his office to have fun with his sexy ladies. Without noticing it, he left the door opened. Nathan and Hellen approached their chance to get into the office.

"What are we looking for?" Hellen asked.

"God must hiding something" Nathan answered "Something that he even doesn't want to tell us: his Valkyries"

"We're not the only ones, Nathan" Hellen replied until she sensed something "Wait..." she checked out under the desk and she found a button "Got it!"

"How do you know there was a button under his desk?" Nathan asked.

"Bitch, I worked for the CIA" Hellen said as she looked at us "Hey, women say it too"

She pressed the button that opened the secret door. They got into the underground passage where they found the sphere with a crack.

"What is this?" Nathan asked.

"Not idea" Hellen answered.

***distorted, yet angelical voice*** _hello...?_

They both gasped, for hearing that voice.

"Somebody is trapped in the sphere" Hellen said.

"Huh...who are you?" Nathan asked.

_I am...that I am_

Nathan and Hellen gasped

"Aw sh*t." Nathan said.

Meanwhile, in the colosseum; Matthew was about to face off his final opponent.

"At this corner, our brave little guy who fought against thousands of creatures and some of the mighty gods: MATTHEW RYDER FROM PLANET EARTH!" the announcer exclaimed.

***everybody cheers***

"And at this corner, the prophet who swore he would never fight in battle and yet, he managed to defeat some of the mighty gods: JESUS CHRIST!" the announcer exclaimed.

"What?!" Matthew asked, surprised.

***crowd cheering***

Jesus appeared, looking all confused for seeing all this people cheering for him.

"I bet you didn't see this coming, right?!" the announcer asked "Well, I guess this is the Ultimate Fight between Heaven and Hell…sorta..."

***crowd cheering***

"May the fight...BEGIN!" the announcer exclaimed, disappearing.

"Wow, I can't believe it" Matthew said "I'll be honest, my adoptive parents are devoted Christians, but I never actually believed in God or in any religion. At least...not until now"

"That's okay, son" Jesus said "I have no intentions to fight you."

"Well, me neither" Matthew said "I mean, yeah, I kicked some Gods' asses, but I don't think Karen or Richard would ever forgive me if I hurt the prophet of Christianity"

"You're right, son" Jesus said, dropping his sword "I give up"

"Me too" Matthew said.

***crowd booing***

"WHAT?!" God asked, outraged as he broke the window from the VIP section and he flew to the colosseum "What do you mean you give up?!"

"This nonsensical tournament has gone too far, Father" Jesus answered.

"I told you to fight like a MAN!" God said.

"Oh yeah?" Jesus asked "And being a man implies winning arranged fights?"

***everybody gasps***

"***nervous*** Oh...huh...I don't know what you're talking about" God said.

_WE DO!_

They turned around and they saw Nathan and Hellen.

"And maybe you know something about THIS!" Nathan said, holding the sphere.

"Where did you get that?!" God asked.

"What is it, father?" Jesus asked.

"Let's find out!" Nathan said, throwing the sphere and breaking it into pieces.

The cloudy light was released and everybody saw its presence. But we only see its physical appearance from Matthew's perspective, the light took form of...Megan Fox.

"Oh my god, are you Megan Fox?" Matthew asked.

"No, I don't have a specific form" the 'light' answered "My psychical appearance depends on somebody's perspective. I took the form of someone you admire and respect. In your case: a woman called Megan Fox"

"Yeah, she's a great actress!" Matthew said "I don't understand why everybody thinks she sucks!"

"Who are you?" Jesus asked as the light took the form of...a cartoony hammer with eyes and mouth.

"***high-pitch voice*** I am the father of everything: the one and truly GOD!" the true God said.

***everybody gasps***

"He's lying!" God said "I AM GOD!"

"That's not true!" Nathan said "You're just an imposter who took God's job for over 2000 years!"

*His real name is...!" Hellen said, taking off God's robe to reveal his real identity "FRED PHELPS!"

***everybody gasps***

"That's impossible!" Jesus said, shocked.

"Actually, that explains A LOT of things!" Matthew said.

"Okay, okay, YES! I'm Fred Phelps!" Fred said "So, what? I did a lot of great things being God!"

"Do you realize you're the most hated people on Earth, even worse than Bin Laden and George W. Bush all together?" Matthew asked.

"I don't give a sh*t!" Fred said "You wanna know why I arranged this tournament? So, I can convince you to kill ALL the homosexuals and atheists on Earth"

"If you wanted to do that, why didn't you ask your 'Guardian Angels'?" Matthew asked.

"We refused to do it when he asked us" Nathan said, "Come on, we may believe in God now, but we still think it's bullcrap that he and every religion are against gays and non-believers"

"I can't believe I didn't suspect this since the beginning" Hellen said "Maybe I was so blind by the paradise he created"

"Now what?" Fred asked.

"Now you will spend the rest of eternity...IN HELL!" God answered, sending Fred to Hell.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Fred screaming, disappearing in flames.

"Phew, he's finally gone" Hellen said.

"So...are you my father?" Jesus asked at his real...father...mother...thing.

"I am the father of everything" God answered "Listen, I know what you're thinking: you want answers, all of you. But I can't. 2000 years of lies and corruption has severely damaged the Universal Balance. I need time to fix it. All I need is your patience. You are NOT ready to know all the answers of the Universe"

"What about us? The Guardian Angels?" Nathan asked as God took the form of...Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

"I created the Guardian Angels to protect the mortals and guide them to the right way: the way of Light, not of Darkness" God said "Stupid vampires, rot in Hell"

"I'm totally lost" Matthew said "The way of Light? The way of Darkness? This sounds like the most basic concept of an action cartoon!"

"Well, we're cartoons, we only work with cartoon logic" Nathan said.

God took the form of Megan Fox and look at Matthew.

"And for not killing Jesus, the creator of Christianity, you will be for the eternity: A Guardian Angel" God said, touching Matthew as a silver gladiator armor and wings appeared on him.

"I did it, I really did it" Matthew said.

"Way to go, Matt!" Nathan said.

"We're so proud of you" Hellen said "I'd wish Axel was with us in this wonderful moment"

"Now what?" Matthew asked.

"Now I'll choose a mortal of your planet, so you can protect him or her for the rest of his or her life" God answered raising her hand.

Suddenly Matthew sensed something.

"Wait, I think I know who I'm going to protect" Matthew said.

"What?" God asked.

"Please, God, I think I know what I'm gonna do" Matthew said.

"Matt, wait!" Nathan called after him, "Look, we need you to do a favor for us…"

"What? Is it about Axel?" Matt asked

"Yes…I don't know all the details, but we feared that Axel might be getting into something real bad soon. Just let him know we loved him…" Hellen asked.

"And if push comes to shove…save him…" Nathan said ominously.

"Will do." Matt declared, as he spread his wings, "See you all later."

Matthew flew off out of the colosseum while Nathan and Hellen watched him leaving, beaming with pride. He flew all through space to planet Earth like Superman.

_My name is Matthew Ryder. Formerly a normal guy from planet Earth until some douchebag with a gun killed me and went to Limbo for giving up my life to my bitch girlfriend. But now after fighting monsters and gods, I became a Guardian Angel. And as a Guardian Angel, here's my warning to everyone who seeks for evil and darkness: stay out of my way or you're going down!_

The screen turned black as the credits roll while the song 'What I've Done' by Linkin Park is played in the background

**Created by**: aldovas

**Written by**: aldovas and Shen's General

**Edited by**: loessar and Shen's General

**Based on the TV Series created by Seth MacFarlane**

**Based on characters of 'Tale of a Valkyrie' by Bhaalspawn**

**Based on characters of 'Enter: Axel Everett' and 'The Hunt Begins' by Shen's General**

_Hayden Christensen_ (Matthew Ryder)

_Nathan Fillion_ (Nathan Everett)

_Keri Russell_ (Hellen Everett)

_Alec Sulkin_ (Jesus)

_Seth MacFarlane_ (Fake God/Fred Phelps)

_Adam Carolla_ (Death)

_Ashley Tisdale_ (Life)

_And Megan Fox_ (True God)

**Special Thanks goes to...**

Shen's General

loessar

pen123

123kid

Warrior Emperor Z 1991

**End of the Story**


End file.
